The Best Sex Toys for an Extra-Spicy LGBTQ Valentine’s Day

Chocolate? Yawn. Flowers? Boring. A massage? Meh. I’d rather have my back blown out than have a back massage this Valentine’s Day, and there’s a good chance your boo might feel the same. Things are nice, but a mind-blowing orgasm? Priceless! The hotties in our lives—whether they include your new Grindr match that you just “happen to be hanging out with” for the second week in a row, or your long-time Lex babe—deserve more than just candy on this holiday. And don’t worry if you’re a queer living that single life, Valentine’s Day is a great time to get in (literal) touch with yourself.

Your LGBTQ babe is worthy of the best of the best when it comes to sex toys this Valentine's Day. As a discerning homosexual myself, I am so happy to bring you these suggestions, which would make any gay squeal with joy when unwrapping. From vibrators to prostate toys to specialty dildos, here are the best V-day gifts for bringing into the queer bedroom.

The gift of a private workout (the fun kind)

Maybe your partner wakes up at 6 a.m. and hops on their Peloton, or maybe they’re doing dance workouts with friends over Zoom—or maybe neither; we respect a lazy gay in this house. Change up your lover’s workout routine with what one reviewer called “the shake weight of dildos.” The Bouncer is unlike any dildo on the market, as it creates a totally unique sensation both vaginally and anally. Three heavy metal balls roll and move inside this silicone dildo and add extra pressure against G- and P-spots alike. In addition to the distinctive feeling this toy provides during your trip to Pound Town, The Bouncer’s bulbous shape leaves one’s holes feeling full and fulfilled.

Nothing’s too good for your partner’s prostate

You and your boo are experienced in anal, and it’s time to add a luxurious toy into the mix! There’s more than one way to play with the unique Le Wand Swerve. Stainless steel toys can glide smoothly inside you and your partner with the right lube and the weight adds a satisfying pressure. The two unique ends of the Swerve let you pick and choose what feels best for all butts involved. Run the toy under hot water to warm the steel up, or keep it cool for temperature play.

Ramp up fingering

You’re already an expert at tantalizing and teasing your lover with your hands. We don’t need to change up your clearly effective routine, but there’s nothing wrong with adding something new into the mix. Wait until you see your partner’s face while you “slip into something more comfortable” and slide the Dioni Finger Vibrator over your perfectly manicured nail. Fitting snugly over a finger, this powerful vibrator rocks 20 different functions and will give your lover a new appreciation for working with your hands.

For the vaginally obsessed

Gays love cats. It’s true! Just try being gay and allergic to cats—it cuts your dating options in half! For your cat-lover lover, think about getting them this Pink Kitty Crop as a sweet surprise. Incredibly cute, this leather crop is cheeky enough for a laugh but sexy enough to get you both purring this V-Day.

Oooh! Glittery!

Glitter, the official color of homosexuality, isn’t just for skin or bath bombs or chicken anymore! Small-batch creators Pris Toys have designed a beautiful line of sex toys inspired by science fiction, and the Nova in Nuclear Winter is the crème de la crème of dildos. Help your lover see stars with this thick beauty whose head has a delicious two-inch diameter. In addition to the gorgeous swirling purple and blue, this toy is dual-density, meaning it’ll squish when it’s inside your body, but a firm inner core of silicone helps it keep its shape during penetration.

For your eco-conscious lover

Your partner recycles, they compost, and they shop for sustainable and organic goods whenever possible. It’s admirable, and you love them for that! Even if being on a dying planet hasn’t affected your sex life, you want to get your sweetie something that reflects their values. Love Not War makes fantastic, rechargeable, eco-friendly toys out of recycled aluminum, and not only are they nice for the environment, these vibrators are seriously powerful, too. The Liebe Vibrator has a strong rumbly vibration that’ll feel like a dream against your eco-babe’s G-spot.

Literally just top your partner

If I took a drink every time I heard a queer talk about “the top shortage,” I’d be wasted right now. Whether you’re verse or you’re trying to take the reins in the bedroom for the first time, this classic book is always a great refresher. The New Topping Book is essential reading for those wanting to try domination in the bedroom, and offers advice not just on consent and safety, but also a lot of sexy ideas that’ll get your imagination flowing. Are you a top? If so, 1) slide into my DMs, and 2) don’t worry, there’s a book for bottoming, too!

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day, you horny homos!