Like Massages? Like Oral Sex? Get a Glory Hole Milking Table

What better way to work out your kinks than with a horny massage table? Known in the trade as “milking tables” or “glory hole tables,” these multifunctional pieces of sex furniture have been a mainstay in elaborate roleplay fantasies, engaging threesomes, and BDSM dungeons for as long folks have been game to lie prostrate for their prostate. The concept is simple: Provide you, the receiver, with a massage table whose strategically placed hole or cut-out allows for your partner to give you oral sex and/or stimulation with their hands, mouth, or with various sex toys.

There are plenty of Reddit threads about how to DIY a milking table from, say, a $50 Amazon massage table. But if you’re too hot and lazy (same) to bust out the saws and screws to modify your own glory hole table, there are plenty of tried and true milking tables hidden in the depths of both the retail Goliath, and on artisan-focused sites such as Etsy.

As people who love full body massages, lying in the same place for hours, and oral sex, we foresee a home milking table setup as kind of the perfect cuffing season activity. Light up a jojoba oil candle, and let’s fill the hole in your life.

Test the waters with a sex chair first

Trying to convince your partner to go halfsies on a $500 piece of sex furniture? Start off by bringing a more affordable option into the mix. “Queening” or sex chairs are simply pieces of sex furniture that look like luggage racks, but function as BDSM equipment. Just plop your peach down on the chair, and enjoy feeling light as a feather during penetration, oral sex, and more. Think of it as microdosing a full-blown milking table situation. You can cop a high-rated, sturdy chair with plenty of vetted reviews from sites such as Lovehoney or Amazon. And in the words of one Amazon reviewer regarding this bestseller, “[It’s] awesome. Ride it like a horse, forward or backward. [It] enhances pleasure and eases the strain on the legs.”

A portable, easily stashable milking table

If you’re looking for a solid introductory milking table that can fold-up easily for storage, this is your steed. Not only does the Master Series milking table come with padded cuffs for your arms and legs, but everyone will think you’re a master magician—sorry, illusionist—from the Magic Castle. The only trade-off with a portable table is that the legs in the middle could obstruct your pathway to the penis, but Master Series does a nice job of making them as unimposing as possible. Plus, at under $500, the price is right.

The greater the glory hole, the closer to God

One of the most important design features in a bangin’ milking table is a big, gaping glory hole. After all, why limit the scope of sex toys you can slide up your partner’s anus, vagina, or onto their penis? This XL milking table from Amazon measures at over six feet in length (with the headrest) and accommodates about 265 pounds, while this large glory hole table on Etsy has glowing reviews from customers for its comfortable padding and portability. As one stan writes, “We took the table on our most recent RV vacation, and [it] got plenty of use.”

The Bentley of milking tables

Arguably the most ample glory hole of them all is actually a glory rectangle, and belongs to this high-rated milking table from Etsy. This throne deserves to be the focal point of your sex dungeon, because it’s hand-crafted out of wood and vinyl that is easy to clean, plus it includes extra cushioning for the milker. Reviewers explain that it takes a bit of time to set up, but that once it’s assembled it’s an absolute game-changer. As one fan writes, “This is a quality piece [that is] worth [the time spent] putting together.”

Have an udderly excellent milking sesh.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.