What’s In My Slutty Everyday Carry Bag
June 14, 2023I’m no stranger to the cult of everyday carry forums. That said, I distinctly remember thinking, huh…OK when I realized that so many of these passionate, distinguished Reddit threads about the best everyday carry items weren't that compatible with my own lifestyle. They were cool, but in a grindset sigma bro way. In other words: They just weren’t slutty enough.
To be clear: When I say “slutty,” it’s in a reclaiming-the-word-from-the-loser-patriarchal-grip kind of way. Sluts/heaux/bridge trolls are just sexually and creatively liberated jabronis of all genders and needs; folks who are excited to hit the streets for adventure with no idea as to where they’ll end up, and when they’ll land back home. I’m talking about coochie yanking, ball gargling, good time wizards. It’s actually very Lord of the Rings. If that sounds like you, read on.
We have left the shackles of sad boner/Cuffing Season behind us, danced ‘round the maypole, and ascended to the status of HPOTP (horny person on the prowl) this summer. It’s a glorious time. But if you’re really going to live, laugh, love, and leave a slug trail behind, you’re going to need some slutty everyday carry items. Think, extra undies, bristle brushes, and easy-to-open condoms. Whatever your post-club self could need to feel refreshed and less hungover is exactly what we will be equipping you with today.
I’m not here to dictate your HPOTP go-bag, although Baggus and fanny packs are winners for me, but be wary of the potential ick factor for backpack bearers. There’s just something a little off-putting about pulling up to a Hinge date with a full-ass Jansport, unless you’re a student/coming from work/trying to steal the Declaration of Independence. But also, do you! One person’s yuck is another poly Bushwick throuple’s yum.
I have been training my whole life for this moment, so let’s dive into this rucksack of Listerine Breath Strips, hydrating eye drops, luxury cock rings, and more.
Hankies will save you
Don’t let mainstream media brainwash you into thinking that hankies are obsolete. There’s a reason people have been carrying around tiny squares of fabric for eons, and it’s because they’re so handy. Are you sitting on or touching something gross? Use the hanky. Need to blot your face, dry some tears, or wipe up the $22 margarita you just spilled? Good thing you’re rolling in hankies. I always make sure I’m well-stocked on pure cotton hankies from Amazon, because they’re infinitely softer than any Kleenex, but a bandana is also a classic yeehaw accessory that can moonlight as a hanky.
You’re not tired (you just need eye drops)
Too many nights have ended early because my contacts were drying out my eyes. Whether you, too, suffer from dry eyes or just smoke a lot of weed, finding a friend with some hydrating eye drops at the club is transformative. You’ll know exactly how Moses felt when he found that small brush fire if you cop these eye drops from Visine, which have a fast-acting formula that both hydrates and reduces redness in seconds for me.
Listerine tabs = the slut’s Eucharist
Please don’t counter me with Tic Tacs, which are basically small vanilla candy bars. If I’m going to be slopping down spicy noodles, herbaceous cocktails, and ass, I need my mouth to get arctic blasted by the most iconic breath freshener of the 2000s, Listerine Cool Mint Breath Strips. Finding these suckers at a bodega/gas station these days is like spotting a unicorn, so I order packets online.
The La Mer of Lube
Hooking up with a new partner, or a consistent situationship? Are you planning on finding your long-standing boo in the night and smashing behind the iconic Bushwick Burger King? Lube is always a great idea, and can feel like unlocking a new superpower (the ultra glide) during all kinds of horny situations. You could peruse this page of the bestselling lubes on Amazon to find your favorite, or cut straight to the chase and cop this travel-sized version of the inimitable Überlube. This silicone-based ambrosia is like the La Mer of lube, because it has zero scent, isn’t sticky, and sports a 4.6-star average Amazon rating from over 35,400 reviews. As one fan writes, “This is the best for [deep throating]. No gag because it's tasteless which is perfect.”
Easy-to-open condoms
There are trickier things to open in this world than condoms, but sometimes those little assholes are as hard to open as a bag of bougie Whole Foods veggie chips. There’s an entire VICE guide to the best condoms that don’t smell like balloons, but Maude’s luxury latex condoms are one of my staples; they’re designed to open as easily as a Denny’s butter packet, don’t contain any fragrance, and feel like a spa day for my hooha.
Tired? Crusty and dusty condoms that have been floating around your bag. Wired? A condom carrying case that makes sure your rubbers stay fresh and un-threatened by the kombucha that just exploded in your tote.
Discreet, travel-sized sex toys
When Teddy Roosevelt said “speak softly and carry a big dildo,” he meant it. You’ll be a hero for carrying this 15-foot long dildo under your arm like a baguette, but there are plenty of other small, travel-sized sex toys you can toss into your bag like a slutty Santa. I typically keep a blend of nipple suction toys (a great intro to nipple clamps), cock rings, and bullet vibrators—which feel great on clits and gooches alike—in my Baggu. Specifically, I’m a sucker for the luxury Swedish sex toy company LELO’s Tor 3 vibrating cock ring, because it has a girthy portion for clitoral stimulation, and the sleek, sustainable vibrators by Love Not War, which is the only sex toy company in the world to offer service-based repairs for its devices.
Hydration packets for the walk home
Pass these suckers out to your friends on the way home, and you’ll be on a fast track to sainthood. Hydration powders have helped me during my fugliest hangovers, and has also helped prevent them when downed before sleepy time. This Liquid IV bundle includes vitamin-enriched strawberry, lemon lime, and tangerine flavors that are “powered by a CTT Cellular Transport Technology” that is designed to help you absorb water faster. Plus, the packets are svelte shape that fits easily into a tiny bag.
Pepper spray
People can suck. Bring pepper spray, just in case, and peep this VICE article about the best on-the-go self-defense items according to other hot people. For less than ten bucks and with more than 100,000 stellar reviews, this Sabre spray is a super-popular option for good reason.
A bristle brush
I asked my friends/heaux what they put in their own go-bags, and one said, “Black girlies need a bristle brush for the next morning.” This Amazon bestseller has a 4.5-star average rating, and folds up perfectly for getting stuffed into your fanny pack.
Fresh underwear
True story: You might find yourself needing a fresh pair of underwear after waking up somewhere random, or you might find yourself using a thong to MacGyver a facemask to enter the function. VICE writer Adam Rothbarth swears by Lululemon’s wicked comfortable boxers for their super-soft and quick-drying nature, and I have fallen bum over face for this thong from Brooklyn lingerie brand The Great Eros. It ain’t cheap, but it’s made out of Italian lace and feels like having a Cirrus cloud around your cooch.
A smartphone charger (that’s not a brick)
Listen, there’s nothing that much more convenient about carrying around a battery pack that’s just as heavy as your smartphone. I have a few of these ultra-compact, portable power banks lying around the house and in the pockets of many a ho trouser (they’re that small!).
Books (they’ve still got it!)
Want to feel good, and look busy on public transport so that no one will bother you? Unfortunately, as with working out and journaling, reading books works. I'm a full-blown, 31-year-old iPad baby who has destroyed her attention span with TikTok, but nothing brings me closer to God’s light than slipping a compact copy of Swann's Way into my Canal Street Dior saddle bag. You never know where you’re going to end up when you’re out, let alone if your phone will still be charged, so having a book to crack open while you wait for friends (or want to avoid eye contact with weirdos) can be clutch. Inversely, books can also be conversation starters; Read How to Blow Up a Pipeline if you want to attract all the hot queer coffee shop vegans on their way to Club Anarchy.
See you on the streets, champ.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.