Miss ‘Succession’? Here’s What the Roy’s Dating Profiles Would Look Like

Greetings, fellow Succession heads. Still reeling from the massive loss of seeing the Roy family every Sunday? Same. No matter how many times we replay “L to the OG,” it won’t bring Logan back. As much fun as it is to watch egregious billionaires play chicken with their fortunes, sadly, the Roys aren’t real people (no matter how closely they resemble an actual media mogul and his family). Thankfully, our dating deities (aka the experts at Seeking.com), have created faux profiles for each golden boy of the family, so you can suss out what it might be like to date an actual billionaire (with a B).

Since Seeking is the best place to find high-income singles on the web, you should have no problem finding yourselves a real-life Kendall, Connor, or Roman Roy to pull you out of a roommate-filled existence and plop you into a world of lavish gowns, five-story townhouses, and serious sibling-on-sibling combat. But before you start looking for the real deal, it might be wise to take a gander at the Roys’ pseudo-profiles to know what you might be getting into when dating a billionaire. Whether you’re trying to parlay your way into the Roy dynasty or dining out with a real-life mogul, it pays to know that you should never bring a ludicrously capacious bag to a formal dinner, or that you should be discreet when overhearing major company secrets. As you know by now—rich people can be absolute freaks, too (money doesn’t buy good taste—or sanity), so you’ll have to be prepared to sacrifice something—be it your dignity, your low-income friends, or your liberal beliefs—to support your new one-percenter boyfriend who just decided he’s running for president.

Peruse the profiles of the Roy males, aka “no1boy,” “futureprez,” and “heirtothethrone” and decide if you have what it takes to date a Seeking.com Diamond member. With Kendall, you’ll win major points if you know how to gently inflate someone’s ego, and it probably wouldn’t hurt to spring for a subscription to The Wall Street Journal. Connor seems easiest—just wear a Greenpeace pin on your first date and compliment him on his cashmere sweater and you’re golden. Roman, on the other hand, would most definitely respond well to a woman that knows what she likes and isn’t afraid to swear.

While the aforementioned profiles are obviously all for fictional characters, we’d like to think all of this advice would work just as well with actual Seeking profiles IRL, with whatever nepo-baby you end up going out with—just don’t utter those words… because that’s grounds for ending the date immediately.

Happy billionaire hunting!

Check out the Roys’ full dating profiles over at Seeking.

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