Regular Mother’s Day Gifts? Snooze. Buy Her a Crossbow From Wish.com

In the 433 years that we’ve been a vampire on this good, green earth, we’ve never seen an online shopping site as invigorating as Wish.com. Want a Barbie-sized crossbow that shoots toothpicks? Light-up thumb extensions? Of course you do. Wish is the hot, steamy sauna of our subconscious' deepest material desires, so why wouldn’t it be Mommy’s favorite, too?

There are a million different ways to mother, or “whatever that means,” to quote Nene Leakes, and it’s time to start shopping for Mother’s Day presents that speak to the eclecticism of one of the world’s hardest jobs. Luckily, Wish is a bottomless Mimosa of gifts that are practical, magical, possibly inter-dimensional, and almost always at a price point that costs less than a Whole Foods banana. Perhaps you remember VICE’s previous coverage of Wish’s penis face mask, fish slippers, Pamela Anderson backpack, and other surprising treasures that only the online megastore can offer all in one place. Now, it’s time to take our Mother’s Day shopping to the site.

We’ve purchased many Mother’s Day presents over the years for our mom, as well as the mommy-esque figures in our life, from foot massagers and Le Creuset salt cellars to notes that read, I.O.U.!!! XOXO. This year, we’re adding some spice to the gift soup by hitting the storied, deeply unique racks of Wish and shopping for Ma’s Day presents that will make her say, “I didn’t know they made swords that small!”

Now, let’s get Mommie Dearest something inspiring, whether it’s sausage pipe or a gabagool T-shirt.

Put a ring on it

Freud put it best: Why have a mommy if you can’t marry her? This lighter ring will seal the deal, whether you’re shopping for your actual chain-smoking mother… or the Mommy you met at Kit Kat, Berlin’s most notorious sex club.

A car wash for Mommy’s feet

Regular pedicures are cool, but you know what’s better? A veritable car wash for your queen’s toes. These shower slides will get into every nook, cranny, ravine, and abandoned land mine of your mother’s weary feet, leaving them squeaky clean and pampered.

She’s a straight shooter

… It’s just one of the many things we appreciate about Mommy! She will tell it to us like it is, even if ‘it’ is one of the reasons we pay for group therapy. Gift her a teensy tiny toothpick crossbow for shooting skewers into hors d’oeuvres at her next book club.

Rainbow flame powder

This one had us at “Mystical Fire Magic Tricks Coloured Flames Bonfire Sachets.” Say less, wizards.

Mother Goose

‘Cause your Mom is the goose GOAT. We love body pillows, but love this waterfowl-themed pillow so much that we’d commit light treason to humbly lay it at Mother’s feet.

Drink up

If there’s one thing all moms deserve, it’s an Aperol Spritz served ice-cold in a thicc glass.

She loves Fido more than you

… And that’s OK! If our parents have taught us anything, it’s the power of conditional love. This Dachshund-shaped charcuterie board will pay homage to Mom’s BFF, and host her bacchanal smorgasbord of figs, stinky cheeses, and grapes.

Happy Mother’s Day, lovers. Here’s to the gifts that never die.

Shop for more Mother’s Day gifts at Wish.com

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