This High-Tech Camping Gear Will Make You Feel Like You’re in ‘Predator’
February 3, 2023Camping season is nigh! We can always smell when it’s time to flee the paved world of sweet, hot city trash for a night in the Catskills, the Sierras, (or that one park by the Walgreens we probably shouldn’t be camping at). Blame it on what we picked up (literally and metaphorically) during the year(s) in quarantine during the early-2020s, but we are grateful for the great outdoors. Now, whenever we’re ready to spend some quality time outside of our city apartments, we’re ready to camp, and camp hard. We’re geared up and gorped out like we’re cosplaying as Arnie in Predator (minus, you know, the extra-terrestrial alien hunter). We want to zip up our sleeping bag and feel like a hibernating cosmonaut.
If you’re an experienced camper, a lot of this jingle jangle gear will sound familiar, including talk of goose down fluff power and “plunged” coffee. Maybe, however, you’re new to camping, and were roped in to go on a whole hike escapade thing [gestures in centipede] with your recently outdoor-obsessed friends. So, have some fun with it. Buy some polarizing, polarized 1980s style shades and split your friend group in half before reaching the mountain top, just so you can have a dramatic reconciliation at the peak.
Remember, the most fun part about “camping” is all the crazy gear that comes with the hobby. How else could you justify buying a shit shovel?
What do you call the villain that’s secretly the hero?
…And why does this giant, 850-fill-power grey goose down conical sleeping bag look like it’s about to make a speech, and we better listen to it (or else)?
We get it, you like Tim Burton
Never-have-I-ever [pops bubblegum] seen someone actually file their nails with the Swiss Army knife file. That said, if we were to start, it most definitely would be with this Edward Scissorhands-esque, 17-tool-equipped thing, packing in everything from various knives to wire strippers. We don’t know what you’ll encounter in the great outdoors, but odds are this multitool can handle it.
Not a penis pump!
The AeroPress is one of our favorite ways to make coffee, camping or not, because even the laziest of sloths has the 10 seconds needed to wham, bam, slam (well, pump…plunge?) the grounds through to make the perfect small serving of coffee. You can also throw it off a mountain, and it probably won’t break. Super light and sturdy.
Light our fire—literally
We know camping is about getting away from city comforts, but we think this might smoke out one hell of a prime rib. This camping stove is both minimal in design, yet doing the absolute most to look kind of, really, intense. Maybe it’s the bright orange colorway… or the fact that the brand is literally called “Fire-Maple.” Make sure Smokey the Bear doesn’t see you lighting this one up.
Fieri chic
If you Google “1988 sweaty slutty ski Oui Magazine spread,” you just might find these sunglasses. If you want something a little more deranged, Wish.com has this pair of Snake Pliskin-worthy shades for just $8.
You think Arnie goes anywhere without his shit shovel?
Ah yes, the best part of camping—digging holes to shit into. Or, as savvy outdoorspeople put it oh-so-euphemistically, “proper waste disposal.” However, trail turds are pretty high on the list of things we’d rather not run into on camping trips (see: bears, snakes, our exes), so do you part, grab your trusty trowel, and dig.
Some plot line in your movie involves a sea cave
Cue the obligatory, stressful scene in the trailer where you shine your headlamp into the sinkhole. Or just use this to go pee in the woods with none of that stress, and all of the drama. That’s 900 Lumens worth of spotlight on your wee tree!
Skiing, except it’s uphill, there’s no snow, and it’s way less fun—uh, we mean… more intense!
You didn’t rent a Zipcar to not bust out your hiking poles for a trek in the woods, did you? If you’re planning on bragging to your friends about how many miles you suffered through, you’re going to want to invest in a solid pair of poles. This set from Black Diamond (sick, we know) offers easy handling and a sweet name.
You made it to the summit—time to crush a Claw (or four)
What’s the point of climbing a literal mountain if you don’t crush a few ice-cold victory beverages at the peak with your buddies? This stainless steel single-can koozie will keep your beer, White Claw, or celebratory Red Bull (you monster) cold until you reach the top, or decide you need to take a break for some liquid lunch. Best of all, if you’re really setting up camp, this koozie doubles as a 12-ounce cup with a lid, so you can switch from Miller Lite to some hot soup without needing to bring along extra gear (just make sure you wash it out first).
This coffin tent
Two of the big selling points for this Darth Vadercore, party-of-one tent are: ventilation and personal space. SCREECH. But we were also told by an actual camping person that a bivy tent is much-beloved by long way cyclists, as it breaks down easily and compactly, and is great for napping when you need some pop-up shade. Fair enough, though a little too close to death for us outside laity.
This tent that’s just a bunch of inflatable Pentagons
Elon Musk wishes he invented this odd-looking inflatable dome tent, but thankfully, he didn’t, so go ahead and cop one. (That is, if you’re okay with looking like an interplanetary colonizer.) It can also withstand high wind speeds, which is perfect for sleeping through those, er… “bracing” mountain breezes.
However you decide to camp, just make sure it’s in tents.
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