10 Genuinely Scary Costumes to Wear This Halloween

As the worst person you know would say, “spooky season” is upon us – and what is Halloween without parties and costumes? While, of course, you’re a VICE reader, so there is the option of going as “beammeupsoftboi contributor” or “person who posts bare infographics” and just showing up to the function in your normal clothes, you sadly can’t do for the third year in a row, I’m afraid, no matter how genuinely unsettling these concepts may be. 

In the event that you’re out of ideas, however, I’ve put together a stingingly prescient (and some might even say humorous!) list of alternative options for all your late-October 2022 nights out, inspired by the bleakest, most Actually Scary shit you could possibly dress up as this year.

Please raise a hearty glass of pumpkin spice flavour bleach and take some festive inspo:

‘Having the heating on’

Easily the most harrowing prospect of the moment, so why not fashion a little cardboard thermostat tabard, pop it over your head and have a good old laugh about the fact that millions across the country, including you, can’t afford to pay for what should be a basic human right! 

Slutty ‘having the heating on’

As above but in a pair of fishnets.

A landlord

One thing I find genuinely frightening about rich people is the fact that usually, despite having all that money, they have absolutely no drip. Another thing about them that is also less than ideal is their habit of buying up property at an alarming rate to rent back to the rest of us, for approximately half of our monthly wages, in order to both pay their mortgages and make a profit, until they evict us from these places – our so-called “homes” – when we can’t keep up with the extortionate and seemingly relentless price hikes. 

You can incorporate these two characteristics into one fun Halloween look by dressing like absolute shit (definitely a gilet, maybe a bit of jeans and sheux), and throwing a party where instead of going around chatting to people, you just keep going up to different tables and saying that if they don’t give you £20 then they’ve got to get up and move to worse seats, some of which have broken legs.

When "‘Strictly’ made Giovanni dress up as Pumba from ‘The Lion King’

I’m not a regular viewer but I recently caught an episode where the lad that used to go out with Maura from Love Island did what I believe was a Charleston in a furry warthog costume. Never been so sexually confused in my life so imagine this would be decently threatening to emulate.  

The British pound

This one is less about what you wear and more about what you do. The pound, god bless her, is tanking harder than me after four pints and no dinner. In order to simulate this for your friends this Halloween, you could simply roll, “state of our Wes” style, down the stairs, mirroring the trajectory currently being traced by our great currency. If you were really committing to the bit, you’d probably break at least one limb, for both accuracy of portrayal and a nice bit of seasonal body horror.

England fan after the team’s inevitable earlier-than-expected knockout at the World Cup group stages

Putting on a bucket hat, doing a light bit of criminal damage and just repeatedly blaming everyone else for anything bad that happens should do it.

Liz Truss’ devil Instagram

People who say they like “topical humour” are always doing things like going as politicians for Halloween – and in fairness to the Have I Got News For You heads (the only time I will ever type that phrase), politicians are, admittedly, by and large a terrifying class – so suggesting that you go as the former Prime Minister is not exactly a new idea. What is novel, however, is to have had a PM who handed us so delicious a costume on a plate, even if it was only for 45 days.

For some reason, Truss’ Halloween 2019 Insta post, where she’s wearing devil horns and a red top – dressed for all the world like a first year History student who’s pulled together a last minute Primark X Card Factory costume together from the local high street because she’s determined to pull at pres – remains undeleted, despite her assumption (and then of the literal premiership of the United Kingdom. I can only conclude that this is the case because she looks quite fit in it, which would be funny if she hadn’t recently been the most senior politician in the country. Though to be honest on reflection that actually makes it funnier.)

The as-yet largely unknown consequences of en masse Elf Bar addiction

Could be anything couldn’t it? Respiratory issues, micro-plastics doing bits, climate implications: genuinely a real mixed bag, and still all to play for as a result of under-research! Saw a girl on TikTok whose teeth fell out because of them. Lots of room to have fun with this one, really get creative with it. Could even be a nice opportunity to do some papier mache modelling?   

The new strain of COVID that randomly gives you the shits 

I’m not sure how you’d really “go” as this but fucking hell have you had this new COVID? Real Exorcist-of-the-arse hours I’m sad to say. Perhaps you could dig out the “positive lateral flow test” costume from the Halloween parties you definitely didn’t go to in October 2020 and slip a few mates a laxative or two to affect similar chaos? 

Or if not, then any costume with animal ears

At the end of the day, it’s all well and good being “funny” and “making people laugh” but have you considered being “sexy” and “making people want to snog you in the corner”?

Death is coming – probably quite quickly considering all of the above (the “finding a warthog hot” thing in particular). I’m just saying that if all else fails, wearing like, a swimsuit with some cat ears might just be something to think about.

@hiyalauren