The Best Deals This Week, From Eucalyptus Sheets to Smart Dust-Suckers

HEYO—oh, our sincerest apologies, we just wanted to get your undivided attention. Why? Because it’s Friday, which means we’re coming to you live with some brand-spanking-new deals so hot that even Guy Fieri’s flame shirt is crying right now. Everyone deserves a little slice of heavenly steals, and we’re happy to provide the savings-based serotonin boost that will give you that same, mellow, all-is-right-in-the-world feeling as your five-pack of Dad Grass joints delivers.

Last week in cyberspace, we got lit with arousing CBD oil, post-sexy time robes, and Our Place’s epic cookware sale (only 72 hours left!), and took a fat nap in our CBD pajamas. This week, we present you with on-sale sheets that will give you middle school nostalgia, discounted kicks that will match your latest pair of tailored chinos, and everything else you need to bop into spring as a freshly zhuzhed baller on a budget.

So ditch that dollar slice, fire up the pizza oven, and crack open a crispy boi, because it’s the Day of Deals baby, and you deserve it.

The best Amazon deals right now

You can finally throw your dad’s old dust-sucker in the dumpster behind the Denny’s, because this robotic master-vac is a whopping 34% off right now. It will automatically lift dirt from your new shag rug and freshly waxed floors, while its edge-sweeping technology gets debris out from all the nooks and crannies your mom warned you about as a kid.

A perk of a significant other—or sneaky link—is that you have your own personal masseuses whenever needed. If you're going through a dry spell, have no fear, the Renpho Handheld Massager is here for 16% off. This is bueno for when you’re in desperate need of having your back tenderized like a tough cut of steak, and it comes with five different head attachments for getting every crevice and kneading out hard-to-reach knots.

Jam sessions speak to our hearts, whether it’s Céline Dion during a lovemaking session, or pounding some Beethoven on the keys while sipping a whiskey sour. Everyone should experience an eargasm at some point in their lives—and now you can, anywhere, with the 17%-off, portable JBL Power Charge 5 Speaker. It beats the prehistoric radio from the Stone Age that’s been sitting on your coffee table for years (although, we stan a thrifted gem).

Avocado’s Mother’s Day sale

All we want is for you to sleep like a baby. For an epic on-sale snooze, Avocado—one of the best mattress-slingers in the game—has graced us with 10% off sitewide when you use the promo code SAVE10 as a treat for Mother’s Day, and the sale lasts until June 6. In addition to the brand's eco-friendly, epically comfy mattresses, we’re eyeing the silk pillowcase so we can keep our face as smooth as a baby’s butt, along with the alpaca wool throw blankets for keeping nice and toasty on chilly summer nights, and this comfy vegan mattress.

ASOS's big sale on summer fashion

The online fashion giant ASOS is a bottomless pit of brands with over 850 to choose from, but lucky for us, you can currently get up to 30% off ASOS’s catalog of beachwear, lightweight jackets, joggers, and more through May 9—just in time to swap out your jeans for some jorts. There’s also limitless swimwear options for your next getaway with your mysterious lover.

Adidas sportswear deals

Sportswear, or shall we say, athleisure, is a lifestyle. Whether you’re a gym junkie or you just want to stomp around in some sporty threads, Adidas is slaying with a 30% off sportswear sale, from now until May 10. Stumped on what to snag? No sweat. We appreciate a good ol’ fashioned white sneaker, and you should, too. They match everything—whether it’s a broken-in band tee, a cringe fedora (that should be illegal), or a sophisticated pair of chinos.

Buffy’s sitewide sale

Linen sheets may feel impeccable on the skin while getting freaky, reading a novel, or getting nasty with a midnight feast of chips and salsa, but there’s nothing wrong with a little change. Take the leap and snatch some soft, cooling eucalyptus sheets from Buffy, which happens to be offering 15% off sitewide for Mother’s Day, from now until May 9. God bless.

Ella Paradis’ epic sex toy deals

It’s Friday, which means it’s time to open the bedside drawer and whip out your favorite sex toy (or whatever fires up the engine). We’re all busy folks who know what we want—and we have no room for boredom in the bedroom. To give things an extra zing, Ella Paradis is offering up to 75% off sitewide through May 9 on everything from vibrators and dildos to butt plugs, lube, and more. There’s nothing that stimulates our senses more than a sexy sale—actually, nevermind, the VICE Reader Bestsellers Bundle and Beginners Guide to Anal Bundle do a bit of a better job.

The iPhone of alarm clocks is on sale

Smartphone alarm clocks can be unforgivingly wimpy. That little chime ringtone is simply not going to cut it, not to mention the unsolicited brightness that makes your eyes scream “mother of pearl!” To make waking up feel brighter (sans too much light), Loftie is offering 20% off its dreamy alarm clock with a dimmable display, nightlight, two-phase alarms, and custom, playable content.

Toodles for now—be back next week.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.