Man Freaks Out in Bagel Shop Because Women on Dating Sites Don’t Like Short Guys

In 1978, Randy Newman wrote a half-assed song called "Short People," released it as a single, and kind of assumed that people would understand that it was a parody of assorted prejudices. Instead, he got threats from people—possibly short ones—who heard lyrics like "Short people got no reason/To live," missed the joke entirely, so he spent a lot of years hating "Short People," if not short people.

One of the last verses in the song has the repeated line "Short people got nobody/To love," and despite Newman's not-at-all serious premise, that seems to be true for at least one short person on Long Island. Or at least that's why he went absolutely fucking bonkers in a Bagel Boss this morning.

The breakfast crowd at the Bagel Boss in Bay Shore, New York was treated to this piece of performance art from a self-described short man, who used his fun-sized stature as an excuse to rant at the restaurant's female employees.

"This man walked into Bagel Boss this morning flipping out on a worker that was making his breakfast calling her names and claiming she had a smerk [sic] on her face," Diana Reyes, a customer in the store, posted on Facebook. "When other people got involved telling him to stop being rude and sticking up for the working this is what happened. He began ranting about women in the shop. smh i cannot believe this."

That's presumably when Reyes started filming. At the beginning of the beyond-viral clip, someone asks him why it's OK for him to degrade women. "Degra–Why is it OK for women to say 'Oh, you're five feet [tall]' on dating sites? 'You should be dead,' that's OK???" he yells back at her.

"Who said that to you here?" the woman asks him off-camera. "Nobody."

He responded by continuing to yell. "Women in general have said it on dating sites. You think I'm making that shit up? Everywhere I go, I get the same fucking smirk with the biting lip," he said. (With an attitude like that, maybe his height isn't why he's striking out on Christian Mingle or whatever?)

When another customer tells him to knock it off, he turns around, jabs his finger at the man, and says, "Shut your mouth! You're not God, or my father, or my boss." He continues to challenge the other customers, telling one of them to "go ahead and attack me." We don't want to spoil it, but it's probably not a great idea to tell someone to attack you unless you're fully on-board with being pinned down on a narrow strip of commercial-grade carpet.

Although the original video stops with the man flat on his back in front of this morning's bagel selection, a second customer posted his own video of "what happen [sic] next." Mr. Five Feet, who is now standing upright, yells, "Fuck your fuckin' breakfast," and throws his own to-go bagel on the ground. He spends another 30 seconds yelling at "all you women" before stomping out the door.

Although that guy may not be welcomed back (like, ever), Donald Rosner, who owns several Bagel Boss locations, tweeted that any other customer who mentions the video will get a free mini-bagel. (The actual Bagel Boss, throwing mad shade). And Long Island-based Blue Point Brewing is using the video as potential inspiration for a new beer. "This morning we wanted a bagel, now we need a little beer," it tweeted, along with two Bagel Boss-inspired labels.

The most relatable moment in that entire tantrum happened as Rant-Man was being tackled to the ground. "Oh my god," a woman sighed off-camera. "I just wanted bagels."

Same.