We Regret to Inform You That ‘Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere’ Exists

We Regret to Inform You That ‘Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere’ Exists

April 11, 2019 Off By River Donaghey

The season premiere of the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones is still a few days away, but the noble porn artisans at WoodRocket have just what you're looking for to tide you over until Sunday... if what you're looking for are, uh, bad wigs, terrible jokes, and a bunch of people in medieval costumes doing it. Yes, that's right! A brand-new Game of Thrones porn parody is here, and its title lands squarely in the Venn diagram between "terrible pun" and "just generally terrible": Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere.

Welcome to Westerass, everybody:

WoodRocket is the same outfit that brought us such stellar titles as Dragon Boob Z, Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong, and a LEGO Movie knockoff that will fully excise you of any last lingering strands of your childhood innocence, so just know what you're getting yourself into here.

The two-minute, borderline SFW trailer opens with a pornified Tormund Giantsbane and Sansa Stark standing on an also-pornified set of the Wall. "The Ice Wall looks sticky," fake Tormund Giantsbane says, staring off into a flurry of CG snow. "That's because it's covered in semen, Hormund," fake Sansa replies. It only gets worse from there.

Jon Blow! Bigfinger! An army of "White Wankers" led by a fake Night King who rides a dragon puppet and appears to be jerking off in a corner at one point! There are plenty of self-aware jokes about the porn industry, too, just in case it wasn't clear that WoodRocket is in on the gag.

"This sequel is so dirty it makes the first parody embarrassed by its lack of hardcore dragon sex, people disguised as dildos, white walker masturbation, royal penetration, giant-genital'd Wildings, and magical step-relative banging," WoodRocket wrote in a press release. "Who will survive this raunchy penetration-filled medieval fantasy when the White Wankers bust through The Peter North Wall!?! Find out, in Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere."

At least we know whether the dragon puppets fuck, too. Watch the trailer above, if you dare, and then unsuccessfully try to scrub the phrase "Winter Came Everywhere" from your mind for the rest of the day. We're so sorry.

Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.